Last leaf

It is past 3 a.m.. This is bad. I should long ago be asleep. But I can't fold the covers over my head quite yet.

God just dramatically changed my heart about something.

Caleb and I talked about some stuff tonight, and my goodness... praise God for the people in your life that speak truth and life into your heart. Caleb is one of those few people in my life. And you better believe I praise God for this Man.

God speaks to me when I write, and I was kinda reflecting on some things Caleb had said to me, and it's just like God brought it all home. Like Jesus is a freaking awesome cowboy and he just done gone and rounded up them horses, and we can all go home.

It just hit me how much the enemy can wrestle our hearts down until we completely lose sight of what it really true. What is really truth. Sure, we know the enemy lies about who we are in Christ. He lies to us about our worth. He lies to us about what truly belongs to us as Children of God.

There is such darkness in the word shame. I'm so metaphoric with words, and when I think of the word shame, I think of someone putting his head down. Eyes are downcast. Shame.

When we "put our heads down" in life, we can't look to the sun... or more accurately, the Son. We can't look at Jesus. We can't find our security, our balance, our Hope... we can't see it. We physically deny ourselves of that, when shame turned our faces down.

I keep tearing up... because I just realized something I've completely misunderstood for years.

When we make a mistake in life, whatever the heck it is, God's response is always, "I love you. Try again. I'm with you, you are mine, and I could never love you more than I do right now." No matter what failure, or short coming we may have stumbled upon.

Here's the big bang that just grips me... we don't even need to make a mistake for the enemy to convince us "It's over." Think about the hugeness of this concept... We don't even have to commit even the "smallest" sin for him to attack our certainty, our assurance, our Hope.

Then, the times when we do something we wish we didn't do... we might as well just die in the despair that only the enemy can bring upon us. With him, there was no hope to begin with.

But with Christ, every Hope is ours, and fully, completely attainable because of the blood of Christ.

The enemy lives to rob, kill and destroy. The thing that is just so incredibly disgusting... is we can feel robbed, killed... completely destroyed... when we're perfectly wealthy... perfectly alive... and perfectly made. He can cause us to feel a loss where we've in fact, gained. He can convince us the exact opposite of the truth. And we believe it. Sometimes we feel we deserve it. He can make it feel right... we believe it. We act on it. We live with it. But it's not really living at all.

There are areas in my life, where I've felt robbed. Where I've felt dead. Where I've felt destroyed. Things felt heavier to bear than they needed to. And tonight, as I'm watching the clock shift to an even later hour, I feel relieved of so many things I falsely believed to be true.

Rest in the fact that God will fight for us, and that we need only be still (Ex. 14:14).


1 Peter 5:8 says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." What a sobering realization. I don't want to be the one my enemy finds when he looks for someone to devour.

To everything there is a season. I'm ending this one. The last leaf just fell.

By your side

Last night I taught swing dancing for a group of high school homeschooled kids. The 4-H Burlington COunty Players, to be exact.

Yes, it is going back to my routes, to be sure. I remember when I learned how to swing dance in the same group.

It was so precious to me last night though when a girl (whose name I can't remember... how horrible is that...) came up to me when I snuck in early during their rehearsal before dance. She thanked me for coming out every week and teaching, because she loves it so much. She said it's her favorite part, and she's always wanted to learn. She said everyone looks forward to it so much.

I love going in there and being with the high schoolers. Totes. But it was really sweet that she said that to me. I really should make a better effort to learn these people's names... it's so bad. There are so many, I can't keep up.

Anyway, not more than 30 seconds after this girl-with-a-name walked off, another little freshman girl came up to me. I used to teach this little lady Latin back in the day. I won't get in detail, because I know some people who read my blog could know her.

Anyway, she small talked with me, and I loved how she came all the way back in the auditorium to talk to me. She quickly opened up though. I wasn't expecting her to. I think part of me was shocked how emotional and real-life she's become. She was so young when I used to teach her. It's so easy to remember her as always being 9 or 10-years-old, and to see her as a child.

She told me how frustrating and confusing this year has been for her. It was so unbearably precious to me, because it's so easy for me to see how precious her heart is, though she's going through these struggles. This is her first year of high school. She told me she feels like she doesn't really fit in, and how hurt she is by an old friend who "ditched her." She told me how she doesn't want to think about boys, but awkwardly told me how she thinks one likes her.

It was way too precious. Oh. My. Gosh.

Now, my usual response is to offer advice. I like to. To me, it's how I show I'm involved and hearing what the person's saying. But I felt such a peace and knowing that the best thing I could possibly do was listen to her. So I did. I kept my eyes locked on her, and listened, and smiled at her.

I think she was asking for answers. But I think she already had them. She kept telling me the advice her mom had already given her, which was perfect advice. I had no further comments. I told her how I could relate and remember a lot of similar experiences. I encouraged her, and told her how proud I am of how she's handling situations. Oh, this girl is so precious.

I tell this story, not because I think I'm awesome because I "listened" to someone more than I spoke. But more because I'm increasingly pulled towards it. I think God is showing me how to be more of a listener.

I love conversations. I love connecting with people. But I think God is changing my heart a little and showing me, strengthening me to listen more than I usually do.

He's definitely giving me more opportunities to do so. And it goes against the grain for me. I feel pressure to speak sometimes. I don't like awkward discussions with awkward silences. But that's not what listening means. Listening doesn't mean you let the air go stale in the middle of conversations. It's a heart-thing. I really think it is.

At least it has been for me. It's a change in my spirit. Instead of taking on someone's situation as my own, I feel more of a pull to come along side of her. To live life with the person. Not to make myself Super-Shai.

I think that I'm starting to get it. Why it says we are to bear each other's burdens. It's about "coming along side" of each other.

It's a cool concept, and I like it. I want to get better at it.

This is pointless

Blah. I have been in bed seemingly nonstop for over 40 hours now. WHUT.

Sick. Lame. Vomit. Oh yes.

Anyway, maybe it was a good thing in disguise. Because I never slow down. Come on... look at my life. I never slow down. Thank God for Caleb. He declares my stubbornness all the time. He makes me deals so I'll take medicine. I won't otherwise.

I like to think I take care of myself well. But... it's good I have Caleb too... :)

I wrote a song today. HALLELU.

It's been so long, dude. Being sick seriously takes it out of me. If I can't sing I don't feel like singing.

And I actually like this song. So that's nice.

This blog is pointless. I don't care.

I don't have much left to say. True to form... I wrote a song, so I have less of a need to express myself. So... bye.

Barrier

Hi.

You know... I work hard. I probably do too much, in all honesty. And I know it. But I'm also that person who believe s we should do hard things. Push ourselves to our limits. Then make sure we have people in our lives who take care of us.

Ok. I had the worst experience today. Seriously, my heart is in my chest remembering. Ok, it wasn't the worst experience, but it just knocked my balance a little.

We have a new student in school, starting today. His name is Johann, and he's Korean. He doesn't speak English, and no one at school speaks Korean.

When I was aiding his classroom today, reading stories to all the kindergardeners, he just sat in the middle of the reading rug, and cried. He pulled his hand down, and held on to his neck and face and sobbed quietly. The other children of course turn to him and stare. They were concerned for him, and kept smiling at him telling him it was ok. It was impressive for kindergardeners to be honest.

But as I sat in front and read to them from a silly Valentine's Day book, I was struggling not to go nuts myself. Aghhh I can't stand it when little ones cry! Especially when they didn't do anything wrong.

When they make themselves cry out of stupid petty stuff, I'm quite the teacher with a whip. I am, it's kind of hilarious.

Anyway, we all went back to our seats at our tables, and got out the snacks for snack time. Johann didn't know the word snack. One of the other little girls got his lunch bag and gave it to him. He tearfully sat down, and I helped him open his string cheese. He kept closing his eyes, and crying, and holding his tummy. Another little girl came over and gave him a little Dove chocolate. I helped him open it, but it started melting in his hands. He ate it after a few minutes, and opened his chocolatey hands to me.

We wiped his hands clean, and he kept trying to talk to me in Korean.

I was so destroyed in that moment. I felt like going home and memorizing every Korean word I possibly could, just so I could help him feel a little more understood. A little less lost.

He continued to hold his tummy, and cry. He wouldn't eat his string cheese, so I took him out to the hallway, holding onto his hand. He calmed down, and kept speaking in rapid Korean to me, relief so evident in his teary eyes. I tried taking him to the bathroom, but he didn't have to go. He pushed his face into my stomach and I tried pointing to the water fountain in the hallway. Maybe he was thirsty?

I took him to the office to take his temperature. That stomach bug was going around... I was worried he would throw up. I kept seeing him lean over with his tummy in his hands... I took him to get his temp not because I actually thought he was sick. I think his stomach hurt form crying on and off all day, before I even got to his classroom.

He held onto my hand, and after no temperature, we went back upstairs to his classroom. He started crying again after likely realizing he was heading back to his classroom, and not to his family.

I sat him back down at his table, and talked to his teacher for a few minutes, before heading out. I had to keep my schedule which I had already gotten behind on. Johann started crying again when he saw me walk out. I was probably the only one who gave him individual attention today.

I am so affected by this... I kept thinking today afterwards how he had no one to understand him, no one he could understand.

I felt such a strong pressure on my heart for this kid. It made me completely ache. I hated it. I could have cried so many times in this 40-minute period.

I felt like God was showing me something... I couldn't do anything to understand this child. I couldn't do anything to help him understand me better than he already was. So much chaos. So much confusion, and frustration.

Yet God is the literal only One that there is absolutely nothing between Him and us. There is nothing at all we have to overcome to communicate with Him. We don't have to explain anything, or help Him with gestures pointing towards what we're talking about. The freedom of being understood in this world is such deep and complete utter relief... today I felt paralyzed with compassion for this child. I kept thinking, "God, help me with this kid!" I was desperate.

I don't know. I just felt like God was making it a little lesson for me. He understands. No matter what language or silence barrier we come at Him with. He understands. He knew what the little boy was saying when I washed his chubby chocolate coated fingers clean. Oi vey.

vertical

I think lately God is stripping me of control. I feel like any time I start to think I have it, He slaps me in the face.

It's a really good thing.

It's a really... really... humbling, burning, astounding experience.

The fact is, trusting God is all there is to life. Seriously. Think about this. It's not about trusting people. It's about trusting God about people. It's not about trusting our bosses. It's about trusting God about our bosses. It's not about trusting our parents. It's about trusting God about our parents. It's not about trusting our boyfriend, or girlfriend, or husband or wife. It's about trusting God about the person.

This is an extreme statement... I realize that. But, oh my goodness, it's an extreme truth. I just feel like I've struck gold.

It wasn't even me... I remember sitting on my couch, telling God in November...

"God... I give it up. I don't want it. It's not right." About something I was terrified about. I was shaken petrified, honestly.

"Shaina... I might be asking you to trust me about something you want. I'm entrusting something to you. Trust me with it."

Yeah. It was spoken to clearly to my heart.

And a few months later... the same words ring true with a new thing God has placed in my life.

And so, this has changed my life, to put it simply. My life is about me and God. The rest overflows. I cannot control a thing. How morbid a concept... and how freeing.

But my gosh, when I can grasp that... I am freed. I am so freed.

It doesn't worry me that something doesn't go my way. It's a vertical relationship. Me, and God. I get freaked out about something, or someone... and I'm reminded... I'm gonna go absolutely nuts if I trust myself, or someone else about a given situation. It's going to fall apart. Before my eyes. I'm gonna break down and cry and break down to my core. Unless the only person that answers to me if God.

Yes, I said "answers to me." Think about it that way. He'll never go wrong. And that's a really nice relationship.

The only one that matters is God. And He's got it all together.

He trusts us with people. And we are to trust Him for each person He divinely places in our lives. And we're to trust Him with every situation. It's a vertical relationship. Us and God. You and God. Me and God.